I’ve not done much writing lately. I know Alex hasn’t either. He’s currently struggling to find the motivation to work on the website. Me? I’m just too busy going from here to there, trying to get everything done in time for Christmas. Some days I manage to schedule on Twitter, some days I don’t. When I don’t, I feel that I am seriously letting Alex down. When he’s been through periods like this before, I’ve been able to pick up the slack. But this time?
This time, I’m struggling to do that. Yes,like a lot of people this time of year, I’m running around sorting presents, food preparation and fitting in seeing people. But that’s not why I’m struggling. The reason is I’m feeling lost. The website has been such a big part of our lives. A project we’ve worked on together that has given us feelings of worth and productivity. And my partner in all this, the creative mind, the fuel that burns the fire that creates such wonderful articles, seems to have lost the will to carry on.
I often say Alex was called to do this. I truly believe he is. He saw a need and has spent the last 18 months trying to fill that need for others, helping to improve understanding of mental health and support both sufferers and those around them. He has done this relentlessly for all this time. And now it seems he is feeling lost, that his contributions are not enough or worth peoples time. I’ve always said that even if we only help one person, that is enough.
The truth is we’ve helped a lot of people. Probably more than Alex ever realises. The hardest part of this is that I know how great he is at this. But due to BPD, depression and low self-esteem he doesn’t see it. I can’t force him to. All I can do is remind him of the impact he has, that the work he does, does have value. But while he’s feeling lost like this, I cannot find the path for him. He has to do this for himself.
Why Am I Feeling Lost Too?
So why is this instilling me with feeling lost too? Because previously I’ve been able to eventually motivate him again. We’ve looked at some new approaches and worked at it and found ways of bringing new content, tried new mediums. Been adaptable. Sometimes what happens in my mental health journey would inspire Alex on a particular track, or get him into such a state he would be calling to arms all of those who follow on Facebook or Twitter to give their thoughts or advice. But that spark just isn’t there and I am at a loss of how to ignite it.
Now this may just be another one of those periods where due to BPD his motivation has taken a hit. What scares me is what if it isn’t? What if he’s lost his calling? To be so passionate about something that he’s committed such a large part of his life to it, yet now to almost feel nothing? Yes, that really scares me. It scares me that one day he may feel the same about us, the relationship and family we’ve worked so hard to build. (Yes I am fully aware that this is my own insecurities and depression having a field day, but the thought still creeps in).
All I can do is wait. Wait and see. I’m going to keep on doing what I can, but like I said it’s not up to me.
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Disclaimer: I am not an expert, nor am I medically qualified. This blog is based on my personal experiences only. Always seek medical advice in the first instance.