The Unexpected Hiatus

Hiatus

I’ve had a number of people comment over the last few weeks on Twitter, on Facebook and our other social media platforms that they’ve noticed I’ve been rather absent of late.  Unfortunately this isn’t due to technical problems, it’s not due to anything other than the fact that I’ve been on a break.  An unexpected hiatus, if you like.  There’s been a number of reasons for this, some of which I’ll go into, but before I do I wanted to apologise for not being around.  So…let’s look at why.

New Things, Old Things

I could go on about the same old story: struggling with depression, with anxiety, with BPD…but you all know how that one goes, so is there much point in me hashing that one out again?  Possibly not.  Still, I’ve been finding it harder to motivate myself lately.  Sometimes just getting out of bed has been an achievement!  Whether it’s the winter months drawing in or something else, I don’t really know what’s prompted this.  Nevertheless, it’s here and I’m finding it hard to get that motivation sorted.  

(At this point, let me say that any tips and suggestions are more than welcome!  Just don’t be offended if I say it doesn’t work for me, after all we’re all different!)

So that’s the old thing.  Well…old things.  Anyway, off with the old and onto the new.  I started psychotherapy recently!  It’s kinda funny because my therapist looks a lot like Jim Broadbent but that’s another story.  Still, this is what I’ve been doing the past few weeks, trying to sort everything out and attend my psychotherapy sessions with this guy (joking, not quite him!)

Now the psychotherapy itself has been a bust, unfortunately.  We did the whole “getting to know you” session and he said he would consult with a colleague and find out what options were best for me.  I was told by the hospital I was originally under that this was going to be the treatment for me, that it would give me the answers I needed, it would find out the cause of my conditions and so on.

They were wrong.

Psychotherapy…Not What I Expected

That kinda sums it up: it’s not what I expected.  I’ve been told that in order to get better, I have to go into a DBT group session.  Now, I don’t do well with group therapy.  It sends my anxiety through the roof and makes it even harder for me to get there, so it’s more or less impossible for me to do so.  Yet the therapist, after only one session, has decided that is the only option for me.  Something to do with my personality disorder.  Regardless of whether or not I can do it, I’ve been told this is the only way forwards.

It’s unfortunately something I can’t do.  Not to mention the waiting list is over a year!

So here I am, with no treatment prospects, no avenues for getting better, more or less at a dead end almost back to where I started.  I’m sure you can understand how that would be difficult.  Add on top of that that running this website, coming up with the content is hard work and so on, you can imagine where my struggles are coming from.

What should I do?  I’ll be honest: I don’t know.  It doesn’t look like I’m going to get treated.  I also don’t know how to find this motivation again.  That, unfortunately, has been the reason for my unexplained hiatus.

Truth be told, I’m struggling.  Really struggling.  So who knows what will happen next?

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Disclaimer: I am not an expert, nor am I medically qualified.  This blog is based on my personal experiences only.  Always seek medical advice in the first instance.

Author: Alex Davies

Alex Davies is the creator and writer for Pushing Back the Shadows. Find out more about his journey here and connect with him on Facebook, Google+ and Twitter.

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