Feeling Lost

I’ve not done much writing lately. I know Alex hasn’t either. He’s currently struggling to find the motivation to work on the website. Me? I’m just too busy going from here to there, trying to get everything done in time for Christmas. Some days I manage to schedule on Twitter, some days I don’t. When I don’t, I feel that I am seriously letting Alex down. When he’s been through periods like this before, I’ve been able to pick up the slack. But this time?

This time, I’m struggling to do that. Yes,like a lot of people this time of year, I’m running around sorting presents, food preparation and fitting in seeing people. But that’s not why I’m struggling. The reason is I’m feeling lost. The website has been such a big part of our lives. A project we’ve worked on together that has given us feelings of worth and productivity. And my partner in all this, the creative mind, the fuel that burns the fire that creates such wonderful articles, seems to have lost the will to carry on.

A Calling

I often say Alex was called to do this. I truly believe he is. He saw a need and has spent the last 18 months trying to fill that need for others, helping to improve understanding of mental health and support both sufferers and those around them. He has done this relentlessly for all this time. And now it seems he is feeling lost, that his contributions are not enough or worth peoples time. I’ve always said that even if we only help one person, that is enough.

The truth is we’ve helped a lot of people. Probably more than Alex ever realises. The hardest part of this is that I know how great he is at this. But due to BPD, depression and low self-esteem he doesn’t see it. I can’t force him to. All I can do is remind him of the impact he has, that the work he does, does have value. But while he’s feeling lost like this, I cannot find the path for him. He has to do this for himself.

Why Am I Feeling Lost Too?

So why is this instilling me with feeling lost too? Because previously I’ve been able to eventually motivate him again. We’ve looked at some new approaches and worked at it and found ways of bringing new content, tried new mediums. Been adaptable. Sometimes what happens in my mental health journey would inspire Alex on a particular track, or get him into such a state he would be calling to arms all of those who follow on Facebook or Twitter to give their thoughts or advice. But that spark just isn’t there and I am at a loss of how to ignite it.

Now this may just be another one of those periods where due to BPD his motivation has taken a hit. What scares me is what if it isn’t? What if he’s lost his calling? To be so passionate about something that he’s committed such a large part of his life to it, yet now to almost feel nothing? Yes, that really scares me. It scares me that one day he may feel the same about us, the relationship and family we’ve worked so hard to build. (Yes I am fully aware that this is my own insecurities and depression having a field day, but the thought still creeps in).

All I can do is wait. Wait and see. I’m going to keep on doing what I can, but like I said it’s not up to me.

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Disclaimer: I am not an expert, nor am I medically qualified.  This blog is based on my personal experiences only.  Always seek medical advice in the first instance.

The Unexpected Hiatus

Hiatus

I’ve had a number of people comment over the last few weeks on Twitter, on Facebook and our other social media platforms that they’ve noticed I’ve been rather absent of late.  Unfortunately this isn’t due to technical problems, it’s not due to anything other than the fact that I’ve been on a break.  An unexpected hiatus, if you like.  There’s been a number of reasons for this, some of which I’ll go into, but before I do I wanted to apologise for not being around.  So…let’s look at why.

New Things, Old Things

I could go on about the same old story: struggling with depression, with anxiety, with BPD…but you all know how that one goes, so is there much point in me hashing that one out again?  Possibly not.  Still, I’ve been finding it harder to motivate myself lately.  Sometimes just getting out of bed has been an achievement!  Whether it’s the winter months drawing in or something else, I don’t really know what’s prompted this.  Nevertheless, it’s here and I’m finding it hard to get that motivation sorted.  

(At this point, let me say that any tips and suggestions are more than welcome!  Just don’t be offended if I say it doesn’t work for me, after all we’re all different!)

So that’s the old thing.  Well…old things.  Anyway, off with the old and onto the new.  I started psychotherapy recently!  It’s kinda funny because my therapist looks a lot like Jim Broadbent but that’s another story.  Still, this is what I’ve been doing the past few weeks, trying to sort everything out and attend my psychotherapy sessions with this guy (joking, not quite him!)

Now the psychotherapy itself has been a bust, unfortunately.  We did the whole “getting to know you” session and he said he would consult with a colleague and find out what options were best for me.  I was told by the hospital I was originally under that this was going to be the treatment for me, that it would give me the answers I needed, it would find out the cause of my conditions and so on.

They were wrong.

Psychotherapy…Not What I Expected

That kinda sums it up: it’s not what I expected.  I’ve been told that in order to get better, I have to go into a DBT group session.  Now, I don’t do well with group therapy.  It sends my anxiety through the roof and makes it even harder for me to get there, so it’s more or less impossible for me to do so.  Yet the therapist, after only one session, has decided that is the only option for me.  Something to do with my personality disorder.  Regardless of whether or not I can do it, I’ve been told this is the only way forwards.

It’s unfortunately something I can’t do.  Not to mention the waiting list is over a year!

So here I am, with no treatment prospects, no avenues for getting better, more or less at a dead end almost back to where I started.  I’m sure you can understand how that would be difficult.  Add on top of that that running this website, coming up with the content is hard work and so on, you can imagine where my struggles are coming from.

What should I do?  I’ll be honest: I don’t know.  It doesn’t look like I’m going to get treated.  I also don’t know how to find this motivation again.  That, unfortunately, has been the reason for my unexplained hiatus.

Truth be told, I’m struggling.  Really struggling.  So who knows what will happen next?

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Disclaimer: I am not an expert, nor am I medically qualified.  This blog is based on my personal experiences only.  Always seek medical advice in the first instance.