The Borders of Borderline
Borderline Personality Disorder doesn’t seem to get much coverage, does it? It’s pushed over the borders of what’s talked about and what’s not, left in the dark. Why? Possibly because there are still a lot of things that people don’t really know about it. It’s one of the reasons we did our Borderline Personality Disorder Awareness Week back in August. Well, this won’t be like all those times it’s not talked about because today I’m talking about the borders of Borderline Personality Disorder.
So, on Saturday I had quite a good day. In the morning, I had a bit of a lazy day with Cheryl (the Little One was at her dad’s as it was his weekend with her) and we took advantage of that to relax a bit. In the afternoon we went out to the shops to pick up a few things for the firework display at Cheryl’s mum’s that evening and then we went to pick up the kids (as their dad didn’t want to go to the fireworks with us) and we went off to Grandma’s for the bonfire and fireworks in the garden.
It was a lovely evening, with Cheryl and her sisters and their husbands, the kids, their cousins and, of course, Grandma. Oh and the cat lurking somewhere about and the fish! We ate hotdogs and soup and snacks, watched amazing fireworks from both Grandma’s garden and the garden a few doors down, as is the nature of fireworks. Then the anxiety started up, the noise levels got a bit too much and I decided I needed to go home. As if that wasn’t enough, I ended up with a bit of a squiffly stomach, which didn’t really help. Anyway, we took the Little One back to her dad’s as it was late and she was getting tired, then I headed home and Cheryl went back to Grandma’s for that bit longer.
Truth be told, it was a lovely evening. That night, however, things went pear-shaped. Due to some mistake somewhere – with the chemist or the doctor or maybe I lost them – I didn’t have enough of my Quetiapine to see me through this week. Normally I take them before bed and they help me sleep. Well, I didn’t have them, so couldn’t take them.
And all hell broke loose.
I had two hours sleep. For whatever reason, I couldn’t switch off. I ended up binge watching Daredevil on Netflix, playing a little bit of a game on my tablet, tossing and turning, the works. (There’s a blue-light filter on my tablet so it wasn’t that!) It was only at around 5am that I was finally able to get some shut-eye. Needless to say, it didn’t set me up for a great day the next day…
So Sunday…Sunday Sunday Sunday. Depression, anxiety and Borderline Personality Disorder. Lucky me, right? Yeah, that’s what I thought. On waking up at 7am-ish (don’t ask me why, I have no idea why) I was bright, I couldn’t sit still, I was bouncing ever so slightly on the bed (like the same way you’d jig your leg or be tapping your fingers, but I was sat on the bed at the time). Then the mood crashed. I lost all energy and motivation. It was all I could do to get myself out of bed.
This was how my day went. Up then down. Up then down. And again and again, over and over, mood cycling almost half-hourly. It’s the part people don’t really talk about. They talk about the lows of depression, the highs of anxiety…but what about the mood cycles? Really, it was something like this:
You may have laughed at that and, if I’m honest, I smiled at it. Yet how true is it?
The Reality of Crossing Those Borders
For those of us struggling with BPD, it’s a reality. One minute we’re fine, the next we’re not. The highs, the lows, the depths, the summits. Crossing the borders between fine and not, between “happy” and “depressed” is so easy. It’s sudden. Unpredictable.
Do you know what makes it worse? When you’re high and riding that feeling it can be quite euphoric. I felt as though I could conquer the world; it was my oyster ready for the taking. Nothing could stop me, anything I put my mind to could be achieved. Then only moments later I was at the depths of despair, where everything was pointless, meaningless and I was hopeless.
Imagine that for a second if you can: going from that euphoric high to that crushing low. If anything, it makes it so much worse because that drop is suddenly so much further. Going from a reasonable day into a depressive spiral is one thing but going from that unlimited high down into that depth? It really does make it so much worse.
So that was my Sunday. How was yours?
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