“I Am Borderline” – the Diagnosis
In a recent job interview, I was asked to ‘sum up who I am in 3 words’. My mind screamed, “Say 24601! DO IT!” Knowing that’s not appropriate, I said generic words that came to my mind that made NO sense. It was then that I knew that the interview I was pretending, probably just failed. Who am I? Well, I’m borderline. But, can you just tell people that? Probably not. How and when was I diagnosed with BPD? Funny you should ask. It was actually an episode of Law and Order: SVU.
It was season 18 in January 2017. The episode was called ‘Motherly Love’ to be exact. The mother was a psychiatrist and basically had narcissistic personality disorder. The ex-husband listed the symptoms to badass Olivia Benson and I was like, “holy balls… I have that! But wait… I’m not that narcissistic.” *Frantically ran to Dr. Google. What a reliable guy.* Apparently, NPD and BPD are sister disorders and I fit the criteria of BPD perfectly. The next day I sat down with my therapist and told her what Law and Order: SVU, Dr. Google, and I came up with. She confirmed 10000%. I sat back and was like whoa…That’s pretty cool! I’m ill… oh sh*t. I’m ill.
It’s true. Psychologists/psychiatrists really don’t know how to handle borderline. Well, some don’t. I don’t think my psychologist knew what to do, but she didn’t give up on me. My psychiatrist flat out didn’t believe my diagnosis and kept putting me on drugs to the point where he recommended that I do TMS, (Transcranial Magnetic Stimulation). That escalated quickly.
The 9 Symptoms of Being Borderline 1-3
So, what exactly does it mean to have borderline personality disorder? It depends from person to person in all actuality. There are 9 symptoms and if you have 5 of them, you are borderline. Unfortunately, ya girl has all 9.
- I have a very unstable sense of self and self-image. What others see, I do not see at all. I’ve been told I look like a young Angelina Jolie and I just laugh in their face. I don’t tell them what I see because I don’t want to hear them tell me the opposite because I feel as though they have to because I’m their friend. When in all reality, I’m sure they are telling the truth, but I don’t trust.
- I am the known at my job as the Gif Queen, but in my personal life, I am the Queen of Isolation. When everything around me is “stable,” I feel nothing inside. I am an empty, hallow, robot that does not want to go anywhere or do anything. It’s pulling teeth to go see my family, but I love them, so I have to prepare myself mentally the whole day in advance.
- Being borderline can make you empathic. I am one of those individuals. If I have a connection with someone, I can feel your pain and put myself in your shoes. When Chester Bennington died, I was able to put myself in his last moments and feel his pain. He meant a lot to me and feeling that only made my borderline worse. However, if you around those you don’t know or care about, you may feel nothing. And that’s what happens to me. I feel nothing. That’s why people may label those with BPD ‘psychopaths.’ Honestly, people just don’t take the time to understand.
With Me So Far? Here’s 4 and 5, which surround relationships.
- Unstable relationships due to black and white thinking. This one is my life. One day, I want to see you and the next, I don’t want you to talk to me. I want to ignore you. This happens a lot with men. The guy may not have done anything wrong in reality, but in my mind, he’s ruined me and I don’t want anything to do with him. This leads to number 5…
- Intense fear of abandonment- My liffeeee again! I make scenarios in my mind about someone and just tell myself they will leave. So, I leave first. I disappear without a trace. Do I think of how that person feels? Nope. It’s happened to me so many times and that person never cared how I felt, obviously I shouldn’t neither right? This is a carefree process, isn’t it? I feel like this is all some Freudian learning process gone wrong.
Now for 6-9…
- Intense changeable moods that can last several days to a few hours- I know some people may not like the word trigger, but that’s what happens to me. I get triggered. I get overstimulated with sights, sounds, too many people being close to me, someone saying one word that I take in a negative connotation, and I am sent over the edge for the rest of the day or few days depending on what happened. These intense feelings also bring on suicidal ideation and self-harm. I self-harm in different ways. If I feel too much emotion in physical pain from anxiety and I feel like I want to rip my insides apart, I cut myself on my arms or legs. If I situations around me feel out of control, I usually don’t eat for a number of days and if I feel really depressed, I’ll binge.
- I am a constant ticking time bomb of anxiety and worry. I suffer from major depressive and anxiety disorder. Just add them to the list of mental illnesses, shall we?
- Ahh, this one is always fun: impulsive and risky behaviours. How am I impulsive? Spending money I don’t have. When I’ve been through some trying days, I love to go on amazon and buy, buy, buy. There are other ways to that I’m impulsive, but we won’t go into that.
- When I was in college, I changed my major 5 times. I went from 4 medical majors to finally deciding on Marketing. Now, I am going to get my Master’s in Visual Communications Design because I don’t know what to do with my life, all I know is that I need more degrees to get a better job. Sad but true.
For me, that’s how borderline effects my life. It is different for everyone and each individual goes through their own treatment. My therapist and I are working hard to change my method of thinking, but it’s a daily struggle, especially when my mind says “no.” My words of encouragement are that you’re not alone in this struggle. You may feel alone, because trust me there are times when I feel like the only person in the world and I don’t want to reach out to anyone with my issues or pain, but do it. You never know who will grab your hand while you feel like you’re drowning.
About the Author
Brittany Ryan is a social media marketer and soon to be graphic designer. After having symptoms since she was 8 years old, she was finally diagnosed with BPD in January 2017 at the age of 26. She shares her experiences with BPD on her blog, https://borderlinecoffeecurvesblog.com . Knowing there is a heavy stigma around BPD, she likes to be very open about her experiences and feelings in her blog so that way others know that they are not alone in their illness. Everyone’s feelings are valid.
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