Sitting at my desk, I want to tell you why I decided to start blogging. Before I do, I need to tell you two things about me:
- I really love music. Whether I’m doing chores, working or relaxing, there is almost always music on. For me not to be listening to music, something must be wrong, as my dad will tell you. I’m always listening to it.
- Music speaks to me in so many different ways. It’s one of my main sources for inspiration, one of the best ways I can connect to the deepest parts of me. I love it!
Right, with those two key things out the way, let me tell you about the inspiration behind the blog!
Before the Morning
This is the title of my original blog that I started back when my journey started. Not long after the official diagnosis, I felt a strong desire to start blogging my journey so people could get updates as to how I was doing, but also encouragement from someone going through a similar struggle. I couldn’t begin to explain that feeling but it manifested itself into Before the Morning and, later, into Pushing Back the Shadows.
I distinctly remember sitting at my desk, staring at an open blog template, wondering what to call this blog. As always, I had music playing in the background and a song came on, a song that others had shared with me over the few weeks I’d already been struggling. It’s title: Before the Morning by Josh Wilson. Let me tell you about that song.
Tim, Paula, Josh Wilson and Me
“Do you wonder why you have to feel the things that hurt you? If there’s a God who loves you, where is He now? Or maybe there are things you can’t see and all those things are happening to bring a better ending. Some day, somehow you’ll see…you’ll see…”
Josh Wilson penned this song around 2012 and it has meant so much to me during some of those years. To use his words, he wrote the song about “the frailty of the human heart, the struggles that people face but also about hope”. It’s about two of his friends named Tim and Paula who were expecting their second child and when they went to find out what they were having, doctors told them that there was a problem with the baby’s heart and that he was missing the entire left side of it. They were advised to have an abortion as they wouldn’t be able to afford what was coming. They said their son would never have a good quality of life. They didn’t know what to do.
In my opinion, my situation doesn’t compare to this. Perhaps in its own way it can seem as colossal as this news but I still find I draw strength from this song. Being diagnosed with depression, even though I had long suspected it, my first thought was “why”. Why did this happen to me? What had I done to deserve it? Somehow through this I managed to hold onto my faith and think that somehow I would be able to get through this. On discovering the meaning behind this song, it reinforced the feeling that I could get through this.
Despite what the doctors were saying, Tim and Paula decided to have the baby and soon Jacob was brought into the world. The doctors kept him wired up to various machines, held him in intensive care and kept him under observation to try and correct the problem. They said Tim and Paula may not ever be able to take him home…to expect three months. Then, fourteen days later, the doctor walked in and said “We don’t know what’s going on but you’re gonna take your son home today.” Admittedly my eyes got a little damp when I heard that. God took that situation, a broken child with a broken heart, and made him new and it made me think. What if He can do the same for me? Can He fix what I feel like I’m missing? Well…yes. I don’t know why I’m going through this just like Tim and Paula didn’t know why they went through what they went through, but I know I’m not forsaken, just as they knew.
“Would you dare would you dare to believe that you still have a reason to sing? That the pain that you’ve been feeling can’t compare to the joy that’s coming. ‘Cause the pain that you’ve been feeling can’t compare to the joy that’s coming. So hold on, you gotta wait for the light. Press on and just fight the good fight. ‘Cause the pain that you’ve been feeling is just the dark before the morning.”
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