Inside My Head – Part 5 – The Mustard Seed

Welcome to the last part of the Inside My Head series.  I hope you’ve enjoyed getting this insight into my mind and how my conditions affect me.  If you missed any of the posts over the last couple of weeks then you can find them all here.  Let’s take a look at the last part of the series, shall we?

A Mustard Seed

An odd title, I know, but work with me on this one.  It’ll all make sense further down.

As we come towards the end of the series, what do we remember from the past few weeks?  Who am I?  Well, I’m a brother, a son and also I’m a Christian.  Did you know that?  I suppose being raised as the son of two pastors does help in that respect but I made the decision to become a Christian a long time ago.  Admittedly I’m not very good at shouting it from the rooftops but I do try and keep an open honesty about it all.  Simply put, though: I believe in God, I pray, I read the Bible and go to church and do my best to follow the Christian teachings.  It’s a big part of who I am, no matter how quiet I might be about it.

Does it make me perfect?

Not by a long shot!  Being a Christian doesn’t mean I’m perfect, it means I’m a work in progress, a flawed person who can only be saved by God’s grace.  I still mess up – a lot, as you will see over the course of this blog – and I still get it wrong and for once it isn’t the darkness of my mind supplying those words.  That being said, I still try and do my best.

Why am I telling you this?  Simply put: it’s my ray of hope, it’s my lifeline.  Without my faith, I don’t think I’d have survived this long.  Over the course of my life there have been a lot of changes, a lot of things happening and having something to cling onto, something constant, is a blessing.

The mustard seed comes from a passage in the Bible which tells us how faith as small as a mustard seed can move mountains.  Now, I’ve never moved a mountain but I’d say my faith often feels as though it’s as small as a mustard seed.  Depending on how bad the crushing blackness is, my faith grows and shrinks and sometimes feels like it disappears completely.  It’s still there, though, and I can guarantee that it’s never Him that’s moved.  It’s really helped.

“He replied: ‘Because you have so little faith.  Truly I tell you, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, “move from here to there” and it will move.  Nothing will be impossible for you.'” – Matthew 17:20 NIV

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Is Everything OK Then?

Absolutely not.  Even though I know that I am held, that God has got me securely in His hands, I know things aren’t all OK.  I still fall, I still struggle but that’s the beauty of it: we are free to struggle.

I’ll say that again: we are free to struggle!

Sometimes it’s our own choices that get us into difficulty but we are free to make our own choices, even when they aren’t necessarily good ones.  Even if we go our own way and get ourselves into trouble, though, God is still right there with us.  I firmly believe that.

It may seem contradictory: a God who loves us and made us and wants us to live for Him but who gives us hardships and challenges to go through.  We can’t always explain why we’re going through whatever we are going through and it’s not always for us to know.  God never promises that it will be easy, nor does He promise that we won’t fall.  He simply promises that He will be with us every step of the way.

Why Mention This?

I know some of you might be wondering why I’m talking about this.  What’s it got to do with inside my head?  Let me tell you.

Nestled inside my head, amidst the black clouds, the fog and the darkness lies a little ray of hope.  It’s sometimes only small but it’s a little gem that tells me I’m forgiven, I’m not forsaken and I’m set free.  Although I might feel abandoned, I’m never alone.  Yes, it sometimes takes time to remember that but it sticks, it’s there.

My other reason for mentioning it is that this is the foundation for Pushing Back the Shadows.  Ever since this started, I have had a strong desire to blog this so that it might help people.  I’m confident that it was God who planted that seed in my mind, so that I might turn my curse into a gift and use it for something good.

At the end of the day, this is one of the things that keeps me going.  A little gem hidden amongst the rubbish, a diamond in the rough.  It’s hope for when I’m feeling hopeless.  Whether you believe in God or not, that hope still shines for me and I wanted to share that with you.

After all: it’s inside my head.

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Become a PatronDisclaimer: I am not an expert, nor am I medically qualified.  This blog is based on my personal experiences only.  Always seek medical advice in the first instance.

Author: Alex Davies

Alex Davies is the creator and writer for Pushing Back the Shadows. Find out more about his journey here and connect with him on Facebook, Google+ and Twitter.

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