Welcome to Part 4 of my Inside My Head series! If you missed part 1, part 2 or part 3, definitely check them out. Today we’re going to be looking at the second part of my self-worth and look at my confidence. You will also get to see the one thing I actually think I’m good at. Here we go!
Believing the good
In last week’s post I talked a lot about how I don’t believe I’m as good at things as people say I am. I want to tap into that a little bit today and explain some of the reasoning behind it.
So this is one of the hardest things for me to control. As I said last week, it could be because I’m something of a perfectionist and would like things to be absolutely spot on before they get going. (Admittedly I’m getting better at that but I’m still a work in progress!) In the darkest corners of my mind are hundreds of things that I feel I should have done better. No matter how well things have gone, I will still find the flaws. “You sang that song well!” “Really? I was shaky and I got the chords wrong halfway through.” “You wrote that well!” “Did I? It could have been better.” That sort of thing.
I suppose this is doubt, hopelessness and a lack of self-esteem working together in my mind. Whatever I’ve done, I undervalue. Anyone else could have done it better than I did it and it’s hard to shut that thought out. Hear it enough times and you start listening to it. Listen to it long enough and you might start believing it as well. I’m sure some of you can relate.
Believing the good is such a hard thing to do but, as I go along, I’m learning that there are nuggets of truth to whatever it is people are saying. Some of the things I do, they might have meant something to those people, otherwise why are they bothering saying anything? It’s all about perspective and perhaps what they see in me is more valuable to them than what I see in me. Before you ask, I’m not always convinced of that, no.
Everyone does this to a certain extent. Mostly it’s for job interviews or asking someone out for the first time or things like this. We project confidence so that we don’t seem nervous. Especially if we are nervous, come to think about it.
This is one thing I really think I do well. Whether it’s standing up in front of a crowd to sing or to give a speech I’ve prepared, I feel I do well at projecting that confidence. Many people come up to me saying they wouldn’t be able to do it themselves so they admire me for doing it. Me, I’d say it’s all a false front, part of my mask.
I’m good at it.
I know, with the list of things I think I don’t do well, I guess it might be a little surprising that I’d think I do anything well. Afterwards, however, when my thoughts go 100 miles-a-minute to tell me what I’d not done right, I wonder if it’s worth it. I’m determined it won’t hold me back though. I guess that’s a good thing.
Yes, projecting confidence is definitely one of my strong points. You could almost think of it as the buried treasure, the little nugget, as sometimes being able to project that confidence as part of my mask is a way of tricking my mind into thinking I can get through it. Sometimes, just sometimes that imagined confidence rubs off on the rest of me and allows me to motivate myself or succeed where I think I’ll fail. Not always, that’s for certain, but it’s definitely happened before.
It’s what I do.
The Last Part
So next week is the last part of the series. Stay tuned to discover what holds this broken shell of worry, doubt, hopelessness and fear together. You might be surprised! Thank you for sticking with me through this series so far.
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